Basketball (And Other Things) Read online

  The next 2,900 or so words are about NBA players who are remembered for the wrong reasons, which is to say a reason opposite of what (I imagine) they’d hoped they’d become remembered for when they entered the league. Before that, though, a short thing about the person who is the inspiration for this chapter:

  A name I will never forget is Matthew Stiegler. (That’s not the actual name of the guy, but I don’t want to use his real name because the things I am going to say about him in the next few paragraphs are mostly embarrassing.)

  I met Matthew in middle school, somewhere between the middle of sixth grade and the first part of seventh grade. He was a nice enough kid—sweet, polite, unathletic but still confident enough to have signed up for the basketball team1—but spent, I would guess, somewhere around 40 percent of his middle school life getting picked on. He was not too short and he was not too tall and he was not too skinny and he was not overweight and his head was not a weird shape and his body didn’t stink. None of those things were the reason(s) he was picked on. The reason he was picked on: His teeth were incredibly, unbelievably, unstoppably, inconceivably yellow.

  It didn’t look real, how yellow they were. It looked like if when he was a toddler someone showed him how to brush his teeth and he was just like, “Nah, I’m never, ever gonna do that,” and then he really and actually never, ever did that. It looked like if all of his teeth had been replaced with lemon Starbursts®. You know how in X-Men movies there’s usually a scene set at the school Charles Xavier runs and there are a bunch of kid mutants running around in the background? Matthew Stiegler looked like he could be one of those background kid mutants, except nobody knew what his superpower was yet, only that it definitely had something to do with how yellow his teeth were. It was bizarre. I think maybe a big part of it was that he had braces so maybe everything looked worse than it actually was. I don’t know. I just know that, for all of the time that I knew him and of him, that was the only part of his existence that anyone seemed concerned with.

  Mind you, there’s a happy ending to this story—Matt ended up getting his braces off during the summer leading into ninth grade, and so I guess they cleaned his teeth with one of those power washers you use to clean concrete because when he showed up for school that year they were beautifully white and straight—but it doesn’t matter. For the rest of my life, and for the rest of the lives of my loser circle of friends from middle school, the first and only thing any of us will think about when someone says the name “Matthew Stiegler” will be his bright, bright, bright yellow teeth.

  But so a similar fate has befallen handfuls and handfuls of NBA players. They have, despite being otherwise interesting and layered and nuanced and complex humans, become remembered for the wrong reason(s). I’m going to run through a bunch of them from here going forward, and I’ll for sure explain what bad reason or thing it is that most often gets associated with a particular player’s name, but I’m also going to include at least one good thing about the person, too, because I enjoy a good redemption story. The good things will be within parentheses and bolded at the end of each player’s description.

  Also, two tiny guidelines here: (1) I’m not including anyone who only gets remembered because he was a bust. That sort of thing isn’t interesting. (And to be clear, a bust CAN appear in here somewhere in this chapter [like, say, Robert “Tractor” Traylor is in here], but it won’t be because he was a bust, it’ll be for a different reason [Traylor battled weight problems his whole career; it’s generally the first thing people bring up when they talk about him, if they happen to be talking about him]). (2) It’s the same as the first rule, except this time for injuries. If you only get remembered because of your injury, then you’re out. If you had an injury but get remembered for something else, then you’re in. Example: Jay Williams, drafted in 2002, was injured in a very bad motorcycle accident in 2003. That’s what NBA people remember him for. He’s out. On the other hand, Jayson Williams, drafted in 1990, broke his leg during a game in 1999 and never played NBA basketball again. People don’t really remember him for that, though. They remember him for accidentally killing his driver with a shotgun after it went off while Williams was playing with it. So he’s in.

  BAD.

  Players remembered for bad reasons.

  • Danny Ferry: He was caught saying racist things about Luol Deng during a phone call discussing his potential as a free-agent signing. (1989 National Player of the Year in college.)2

  • Kermit Washington: He threw a punch so monstrous and perfectly timed during a basketball fight in 1977 that it nearly killed Rudy Tomjanovich.3 (He was an All-Star in 1980.)

  • Gilbert Arenas: He was a three-time All-Star, a three-time All-NBA pick, a wonderfully fun basketball weirdo, and also one time he scored 60 points against Kobe and the Lakers in 2006. AND YET, mostly the thing he’ll be remembered for is bringing a gun into the locker room following a confrontation with one of his teammates. (I already listed, like, four good things about him.)

  • Latrell Sprewell: His whole entire basketball identity got washed away after he choked his coach, P.J. Carlesimo, during a practice session in 1997.4 (Led the Knicks to the Finals in 1999.)

  BAD (BUT ACTUALLY GOOD).

  Players remembered for bad reasons (that are actually good reasons).

  • Chris Childs: In 2000, Childs punched Kobe Bryant in the face twice during an on-court fight. This, to me, is like saying, “In 2000, Childs discovered the cure for Alzheimer’s,” or, “In 2000, Childs pulled to safety several women and children from a burning building.” Fighting is bad. You shouldn’t do it and I don’t recommend it. But I love Chris Childs for this basketball moment. (He’s perfect.)

  • JaVale McGee: Perhaps the unintentionally silliest, most accident-prone player of the last decade. I love him. (Led the NBA in Block Percentage in 2011.)

  • Frank Brickowski: His name was Frank Brickowski. (His name was fucking Frank Brickowski. Far as I’m concerned, he should’ve had it legally changed to Fucking Frank Brickowski.)

  • Vernon Maxwell: Crazy. (He was crazy.)5

  • Chris Dudley: During a game in 1999 between the Knicks and the Lakers, Chris Dudley was attempting to guard Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq backed Dudley down to near the rim, spun, then dunked all of the meaning out of Dudley’s life. Dudley went tumbling into the courtside cameramen and -women. He immediately jumped up, grabbed the basketball, and then fucking chucked it at Shaq as Shaq was jogging back down the court. I am 100 percent in favor of people throwing things at other people when they get mad at them. (The fifth-best offensive rebounding percentage in NBA history, behind just Dennis Rodman, Moses Malone, Larry Smith, and Jeff Foster.)6

  WEIRD BODY.

  They got weird bodies.

  • Manute Bol: The real-life Enderman from Minecraft. (Has the second-highest Blocks Per Game average in NBA history.)

  • Bryant Reeves: Like if a John Deere tractor shot 70 percent from the free throw line. (Averaged 15.2 points per game and also 7.8 rebounds per game for his first three NBA seasons.)

  • Popeye Jones: Face. (Led the NBA in offensive rebounds in 1995.)

  • Muggsy Bogues: Tiny. (From 1989 to 1995, only John Stockton had more assists.)

  • Oliver Miller: I’m a big, big fan of chunky or over-weight NBA players. I like it a bunch.7 I like the dichotomy, probably. (He one time put up 32 points, 13 rebounds, and 5 blocks in a game in 1993.)

  WEIRD (NOT BODY-RELATED).

  They got weird things that aren’t body-related.

  • Chris Andersen: Tattoos. Lots of tattoos. So many tattoos. (Led the NBA in Block Percentage in 2010.)

  • Delonte West: Delonte gets two. (1) In 2009, he was arrested while driving a motorcycle with a bag that was filled with guns and ammo.8 (2) There’s been an often-circulated rumor that the cause of the demise of the first generation of LeBron’s Cavaliers was due to Delonte having slept with LeBron’s mother. It has never been proven (or even addressed in any sort of way, reall
y), which has only helped its legend grow. (He was third on the 2009 Cavs in VORP.)

  • Kelvin Cato: Cato arrived to the Rockets as part of the trade that sent Scottie Pippen to Portland for the 2000 season. He wasn’t terribly good while he was in Portland (he averaged less than four points per game while there), but the Rockets still eventually signed him to a six-year, $42,000,000 contract extension. The seasons that followed were mostly a bust. In 2002, E.S.G., a Houston-famous rapper, rapped the line “Tell Kelvin Cato we want our money back” in a song called “This Is For My.” The Rockets traded Cato that next season. (He was eighth in the NBA in Defensive Box Plus Minus in 2004.)9

  • Greg Oden: I saw his penis10 on the Internet.11 (Shot 63 percent from the free throw WITH HIS OFF HAND for a year at Ohio State because he was recovering from torn ligaments in his right wrist.)

  • Andrei Kirilenko: A story broke in 2006 about how Kirilenko’s wife, a Russian pop star named Masha Lopatova, allowed him to cheat on her one time every year. She told the Salt Lake Tribune: “If I tell my child, ‘No pizza, no pizza, no pizza,’ what does he want more than anything? Pizza!” (He had three games with at least five points, rebounds, assists, blocks, and steals in his career. Only Hakeem Olajuwon had more.)

  • Metta World Peace: Changed his name from Ron Artest (a decent name) to Metta World Peace (a name that sounds less like a person’s name and more like the name of an awareness rally on a college campus somewhere). (The 2004 Defensive Player of the Year.)

  • Shawn Kemp: Kids. Lots of kids. So many kids. (Six-time All-Star.)

  SAD.

  Players I only really remember for sad reasons.

  • Eddie Griffin: He was killed when he drove his car through a railroad crossing barrier and then it was hit by a train. (The 2001 Freshman of the Year in college.)

  • Malik Sealy: He was killed in a car crash when a drunk driver smashed into his car. (His jersey was retired by the Timberwolves.)

  • Reggie Lewis: His heart stopped working during an off-season practice. (He’s one of only two Celtics to have had his jersey retired without winning a championship.)

  • Dražen Petrović: He died in a car crash in Germany during the off-season. (Often credited with helping to globally expand the NBA.)

  • Len Bias: He was chosen second in the 1986 draft by the Boston Celtics, who’d just won the NBA championship. His draft day was June 17th. On June 19th, he died of a cocaine overdose. (The ACC Player of the Year twice.)

  JORDAN’S SCROLL.

  Players whose spirits were collected by Michael Jordan.

  • Sam Bowie: I will never for the rest of my life forget that Bowie was drafted second in the 1984 draft, and the only reason I will never forget that is because Michael Jordan was drafted third in that same draft.12 (Jerry Tarkanian tells a great story in his book, Runnin’ Rebel, about how he knew he’d lost out on recruiting Bowie when Bowie was spotted driving a Cadillac.)13

  • Bryon Russell: Of all the antagonists that Jordan stared down during his career, it’s Bryon Russell who exists now as the figurehead for that particular cohort, as it was Russell against whom Jordan hit his only ever game-winning buzzer beat in the Finals, and then Russell again when Jordan hit the game-winning and series-winning shot at the end of Game 6 of the 1998 Finals. When Jordan gave his Hall of Fame speech in 2009, Russell sat in the stands, looking decidedly uncomfortable as Jordan lobbed grenades at him.14 (He played 628 games for the Jazz, the eighth most in franchise history.)

  • Craig Ehlo: The guy on the other end of The Shot. (Ehlo scored 24 points that night and he had a sprained ankle while doing it.)

  • Barkley/Ewing/Malone: This is an unfair categorization for these three players. They of course had big, bright, substantial careers that are remembered for much more than being on the losing end of a Jordan face-off. It’s just that I can’t help but blow dirt in Karl Malone’s eyes any chance I get.15

  • Kwame Brown: Jordan, working as the president of basketball operations and minority owner for the Washington Wizards in 2001, chose Kwame Brown, a high schooler, as the number-one pick in the 2001 draft. Then Jordan set out on, in a manner of speaking, destroying him.16 (One time he allegedly swiped a guy’s birthday cake from him and then threw it at him. This one isn’t “good” so much as it is “weird.”)

  OH, SHIT. THAT GUY?

  Players you don’t remember, but actually you do.

  • Frédéric Weis: “You know Frédéric Weis?” No. “Sure you do.” I really don’t. “He’s that 7-foot-tall French guy that Vince Carter jumped over in the Olympics.” Oh, shit. That guy.17 (France’s leading rebounder at the 2000 Olympics, where France won the silver medal.)

  • Rick Rickert: “You know Rick Rickert?” No. “Sure you do.” I really don’t. “You remember that story from, like, 2004 about Kevin Garnett getting so mad during a practice that he punched a guy on his team?” Yeah. “Well . . .” Oh, shit. That guy. (A Big Ten Freshman of the Year in college.)

  • Tyronn Lue: “You know Tyronn Lue?” No. “Sure you do.” I really don’t. “Remember when Allen Iverson stepped over that guy during the 2001 Finals?” Yeah. “Well . . .” Oh, shit. That guy.18 (He had cornrows.)

  • Timofey Mozgov: “You know Timofey Mozgov?” No. “Sure you do.” I really don’t. “You remember that game in 2010 when Blake Griffin dunkmurdered a guy?” Yeah. “Well . . .” Oh, shit. That guy. (The second-leading scorer for the Cavs in the 2015 NBA Finals.)

  • Alton Lister: “You know Alton Lister?” No. “Sure you do.” I really don’t. “You remember when Shawn Kemp dunked on that one guy so hard that it knocked him off his feet and then Kemp double-pointed at him as he lay on the ground?” Yeah. “Well . . .” Oh, shit. That guy. (Received an MVP vote in 1983.)

  CHOKE.

  Players remembered for choking, which is to say missing a shot or messing up in a way that would relay that it was the stress of the situation that resulted in the miss or mess-up rather than just missing or messing up otherwise.19

  • Nick Anderson: See Chapter 20. (The second leading scorer in Magic history.)

  • Michael Ruffin: I love this one. Ruffin’s Wizards were up three against the Raptors with just 3.8 seconds left in the game. The Raptors were inbounding from full court because they were out of timeouts. Anthony Parker threw a desperation pass toward the Raptors’ side of the court. Ruffin tipped the ball and then even stole it, but rather than hold on to it, he tossed it into the air in celebration. There was too much time left, though, and so rather than the buzzer go off as the ball harmlessly fell back toward the court, it got there with enough time for a Raptors player (Mo Peterson) to catch it and shoot a three at the buzzer to send the game into overtime. (His NBA 2K player looked exactly like the real-life version of him.)

  • Charles Smith: Game 5. 1993 Eastern Conference Finals. Knicks vs. Bulls. Knicks down one. Smith gathers the ball under the rim. His first layup is blocked. His second layup gets stripped out of his hands before he can get it past his waist. His third layup is blocked. His fourth layup is blocked. Bulls win. (Had a 52-point game in 1990.)

  • The 1994 SuperSonics: They were the number-one seed in the Western Conference that season and then lost in the first round of the playoffs to the eighth-seeded Nuggets. These guys get shoved into this category only because of the way Nuggets center Dikembe Mutombo fell to the ground in tears while holding the ball after the Nuggets won the series in overtime in Game 5 in Seattle. If he doesn’t do that, if he doesn’t have that moment, the ’94 Sonics would’ve just vanished into history forever. Instead, they live in infamy. (They won 63 games that year.)

  1. I say “signed up” rather than “tried out” because the district had some policy in place for middle schools that made it so that anyone who signed up to play sports was automatically on the team. The year I was on the seventh-grade team we had near 30 players. There was a first string, second string, third string, fourth string, fifth string, and sixth string. Another rule the district had
was that everyone on the team had to play before halftime, which meant that the coach would wait until there was a minute or so to play, then insert all the third-, fourth-, fifth-, and sixth-string kids into the game for a few seconds each between dead balls. It was the saddest parade.

  2. This does not cancel out the racism thing, in case you were wondering.

  3. “His skull was dislocated and spinal fluid was leaking from his brain.” —ABC News

  4. Sprewell was suspended for 68 games for the incident. Sprewell, who thought the punishment was excessive, told 60 Minutes, “I wasn’t choking him that hard. I mean, he could breathe.” It’s not funny, but it’s funny, you know what I’m saying?

  5. See Chapter 12.

  6. This list started off strong, and then it just turned to paper by the end.

  7. If we’re making a list of The 10 Best-at-Being-Chunky Chunky NBA Players, then it’s Miller first and then Late-in-His-Career Shawn Kemp, Late-in-His-Career Shaq, Glen Davis, Old Derrick Coleman, Regular Boris Diaw, Postsurgery Sean May, Jerome James and Eddy Curry (they both played for the Knicks at the same time, which is just wonderful), and Raymond Felton (my favorite fat point guard).

  8. The original story was that it was a guitar case full of guns like he was in Desperado, but he said in a 2011 interview that it was just a regular bag.

  9. My researcher sent me this stat. When he sent it, I said, “Thanks,” but what I thought was, “What the fuck?”

  10. The way I know Greg Oden is a nice person is when he was asked about why he’d taken the photo, he said he’d done so because “When a girl sends me 100 pictures, I have to send something back every now and then. I’m not an asshole.”

  11. It’s important to note that this was in 2010, and so NBA player penises being on the Internet was still a decent-size news story. (Conversely, in 2016 Draymond Green’s penis ended up on the Internet one afternoon and by the next morning nobody was even talking about it anymore.) Also, remember that Oden was the first pick in his draft, which makes it all even heavier. David Robinson was the first pick in his draft. Imagine if his penis had ended up on the Internet somewhere. Or Shaq’s. Or Tim Duncan’s. Or Yao Ming’s.